essence of Conflicts
to be the very stuff of life, bringing up all the most
difficult emotions — anger, mistrust, resentment, loneliness
— and the saddest outcomes. It makes us sad, depressed,
but also unhealthy.
A broken heart
is not only a metaphor, but a reality: the physical
consequences of aggression and fighting are felt much
longer after a strong discussion ends, in the whole
body. High conflict situations can literally and really
kill you or make your heart suffer.
You are here,
because you understand that there must be other ways
of solving interpersonal conflicts….Up until now, you
wanted to win in each confrontation, by convincing the
other side how wrong he or she was.
After how many of those “deadly combat situations,”
how come you see yourself loneliest and more isolated than ever?
Sometimes you won, only to feel that it was an empty victory,
because you are not either more loved or respected….. There is a pervasive
belief that there are left “no alternatives for us,” but to fight to win.
As you know, if you can admit it, paradoxically, in human
relationships, by “winning over the others,” you lose big time.
Is there any other way to do conflicts than to have a winner
and a loser?
Can we develop skills to do things differently?
Can we get what we want or need, without fighting?
Or, even better, with the other person’s cooperation and
Of course you can, but it takes a little work to understand,
first what we are doing in a manner that is unproductive
and ineffective, and then to learn what has to be done
in a more intelligent way.
REMEMBER: It is easy to win the logical battle, AND
PAY THE PRICE AFTER: to be left A WINNER without love or recognition!
Why do we fight?
Because we need something from the people around us! We
want acceptance, respect, being given a right place in our groups, families
and all that is what we call “love”
Let’s take a look at how the world around us works, and then
try to understand why things are as they are:
In any office, there are people who can’t stand others; everything that
is said and done around the water cooler provokes jealousy and a deep
resentment. Underneath that level, competition for raises, better working
conditions and respect is rampant. The competitive assumption around
us is that whatever the other gets is taken from me, and this way of
thinking will make inevitable the conflict between us.
Interpersonal relationships need nurturing and care. If you forget this
basic rule, you will be surprised by the endless variety of ways the
other person will develop to call your attention, some of them good
and positive and others obnoxious and even risky….all is preferable
to being ignored! People will get sick, get into work-related problems
and even drink in excess, all to be able to have a caring eye on them,
all not to be left alone.
When teenagers rebel, they are seeking to discover the limits imposed
to them, and to practice stretching them…for anxious fathers, this is
a confrontation to the end; they get terribly scared and try to produce
rigid limits, putting themselves on the line. If the conflict escalates,
it becomes a different thing: the old myth of the young having to destroy
the power of the old, to be able to grow takes over. Nobody wants this,
but they don’t know what else to do but to escalate positions and fight
up to keep their own pride intact, until someone gives up; at this point
there is little of the relationship left.
Good neighbors can continue being so, if economics are even. When there
is a disparity, and in a progressively more materialistic society, the
family that owns less is sometimes left aside. Some people tend to feel
that economic problems are somewhat contagious and don’t want to bother
themselves contemplating the needs of others. At this point, the family
set aside by others develops a rancorous attitude and will find some
excuse to organize a territorial conflict, only to demonstrate that
they are still there
Conflict is a way of relating to others, a way of calling
out for support, connection and recognition. Deny this basic fact of life
and you will be enmeshed into very nasty situations, or accept this situation
in your own live and learn.
We, the author of Positive Conflicts and the support
team, are here to help you decide what you need to do to live a better,
A life with mastery over confrontations either generated
by you or by others.
A life with more control of the process and outcome of
any discussion, not withstanding how difficult the issue can be.
You will live without fear of conflict, following the good
ideas, suggestions and techniques included in the path designed by this
PROGRAM, offered by www.positiveconflicts.com